I was too young to remember completely, I was about four the
constant back and fourth of where will we sleep tonight. My mom commuted to
work most days but the stress was getting to her so we split time, weekdays in
Bergen county and weekends in the boonies.
It didn’t last long the arguments long hours in the car, we
just moved. so I was shipped to the boonies on weekends to spend time with
my dad. But then I played sports and there were games and sleepovers it just
wasn’t easy anymore.
Fast-forward a few years and my mother is going through the
depression of loosing her father the one person who loved her unconditionally.
In addition to menopause she never wanted to get out of bed. Life for me was sleepovers seven days a week I rarely saw my
own bed. Middle school came and went with bullying, friends lost and gained.
High school a time in life where things are supposed to come
together maybe the did my maybe being her friend was supposed to teach me some
sort of lesson other to kept my legs closed… well maybe it worked maybe it
didn’t but friends like her don’t stick and stab you in the back so easily, we
moved on growing into our own people. Sophomore year I fell in love with
someone who couldn’t love me back, it not that he didn’t want to but his
lesbian girlfriend was all he could think of. Junior year I thought I meet the
love of my life, we’d be together for ever, we had really high but really low
lows too. He was my world and that’s how its supposed to be, but he was controlling
every aspect of our lives was planed, how many kids where we would live what
we’d do for a living and I loved it! We parted ways after almost three years.
Even heart broken I made it through freshman year of college joined a sorority
failed classes made friends that will last a lifetime. As the time to leave
home to start my sophomore year came around I learned my mom got a dui and I
would not be attending school that semester. I stayed home fell in love and had
my heart broken by someone I could have truly had a life with. It will never be
over with him though he has my heart in way I cant explain. The semester ended
and went back to California to be with my sisters and friends. I didn’t get the
embrace I wanted but I know I’m loved. But now he’s in the picture and he has a
girl and she’s okay she’s not my favorite but she makes him happy but all I
want is him we have these intense moment of eye contact when I know he feels
the way I do too yet he cant tell me but I’m not willing to loose him as friend
and see if there’s something there. And then there’s today the day where I
accept my flaws and not let them define when I decided to live a happy life to
be content with my surroundings and accept the punishments for the things I’ve
done wrong to love those around me and to embrace who I am to learn about my
culture and love it.
